"That Point"

Have you ever reached “that point”?

“That point”...I struggle to describe what that point is, for the phrase is used to describe so many points really. “That point” is a phrase I think is left deliberately vague. As such one can use it to describe a moment no one noticed happened. In fact I think “that point” is only visible in hindsight, although it’s exact moment cannot be defined, hindsight with its ever 20/20 vision can deduce from previous noticed moments that “that point” must have happened at “some point”.

“Some point” is possibly more eerie that “that point”. “Some Point” is uncertain, and undefined, and normally one of the only points that one does not have the luxury of apply that ever logical and rational 20/20 vision of hindsight.
The analysis be what it may, nevertheless I have deduced that at “some point” “that point” happened. “That point” where I have lost.
What have I lost? It feels like everything, but at the same time I have the knowledge that I have lost nothing. The latter is the worst. The feeling of loosing something when one has not is followed by feelings of guilt, for why should I feel this when people truly have lost many precious things, material and none, yet I have the arrogance to claim this feeling also. The conclusion for the logical mind then follows that to feel this way I must have lost but one thing, however I feel it is the most precious part of any person, which is the mind. However there lies the contradiction. If one can logically conclude they have lost one’s mind then how could it be so? There is a fallacy in the argument; if one’s mind is truly lost then how can one be capable of logical thought?

Yet if one cannot deduce whether one has lost one’s mind or not, surely they have lost it?
People whom are quite assured that they are in full possession of their minds question me constantly. Then in my anger that I have no answers to give them, I snap, I loose control, the only knowledge I possess is that of the fact the words that then come from me are not my own, it is someone else’s tongue in my mouth. An apology and explanation of such does not suffice, and I isolate myself further. Thus starts a vicious circle. I isolate myself until I am uncomfortable coming from that isolation, and yet the only thing that would help is to break it.
Then what is left of my mind... in fact to say thus would not accurately describe; it is closer to say that the mind that speaks to me at these times (for in truth I could not tell you if it were mine or not) encourages the isolation, as such isolation prevent me and whatever it is inside me that acts so harshly, from upsetting anyone further.

However, if it were possible to keep to such isolation “that point” would have avoided even the eagle-eyed glare of hindsight. Such an isolation was prevented by one thing, one person to be exact; the other half of my soul. When she is with me I feel closest to being myself, at times I think I’ve been imagining everything else. But a welcomed break from the whirlwinds in my head, for she too started to analyse signs and conclude that at “some point” “that point” had happened. Unfortunately, the breathe she breathed into what was left of myself did not last to protect her from receiving the same reaction everyone else received.

So what does that leave? A trail of questions, for every conclusion I draw, draws another question. And whether a mind or not, something in my head spins these questions over constantly, each conclusion scratched, drawn and redrawn again. Other than that, the irony that the “lost” feeling is starting to feel more justified when having that feeling in the first place was the catalyst for whatever is happening. And if I have not in fact lost my mind, I fear I soon will if I continue to contemplate this. However without contemplation, how will it change? Can I change something I appear to have no control over?

But I must before I truly have lost everything. Out of everyone and everything that is close to me, the one I care least about is myself, and if loosing myself is causing me so much distress then what would it be if I lost someone due to my self-inflicted isolation? I have a clear enough thought to know I do not wish to find out. However, what can be done? How can I stop my mind thinking that every word, call and message not directed at me, is about me? Was mum right? Am I self obsessed ad thusly need to “get over myself”? But how can this be true? How can one be self obsessed is one doesn’t know who oneself is anymore? Maybe my asking who I am to myself has made me self obsessed.

But in truth, I doubt the theory. A self obsessed person has a tendency to be preoccupied with things that benefit them. Whereas recently I cannot motivate myself to even do the most basic of thing, unless it is a necessity. I’m showering less, tidying less, attending cadets, gliding, or even going out less, generally concentrating on myself less. I find is focused on the needs, the wants of another, that I follow their mindset and so can forget my mind for that time being, or forget what appears to be the absence of my mind. But then it feels like people take advantage of this good nature, and snap – and so the circle will start again. Or sometimes the circle is kicked off by anger, when I have been deep in contemplation and so the possibility of finding out how to stop it and I am disturbed by someone whom is asking the same questions again and for whom I have no answers.

They all wanted to know what was wrong, well this... to the best of my ability of expressing it, is what I’m feeling.
This is what “nothing” has meant for me, and the reason I have only said “nothing” is because of exactly what is on the page – because I would have said exactly what I have said here; which in truth is all a rather verbose way of say “I dont know”.

I wish I had the guts to just show them this - maybe then they'd understand.